5 May 1997The Power of Self-esteem "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt After reading that quote, I began to consider how important self-esteem and self-respect are to my life as well as to the lives of others. Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines self-respect as: 1. A proper respect for oneself as a human being 2. respect for one's own standing or position. While considering the issue of self-esteem, I pulled out two snap-shots from my mental scrapbook. The two women in these pictures are similar to one another. But it is the differences between these women that are striking. The first woman is in her early to mid-twenties. She is overweight and walks slouched over, with her eyes on the ground as if she had the weight of the world on her back and is afraid of what she might see in the eyes of the people she passes. This woman has reasons for not wanting to look at the people who pass her by. She is used to overhearing comments about her and to seeing people stare and point her out to each other. She has become accustomed to having insults thrown at her like so much garbage from passing cars. Her response to this rude and brutal behavior is two-fold; first she turns and shuffles away ashamed, then she tells herself how awful she is and how much she hates herself for being what she is. She dresses in any baggy old thing that will cover her body, believing she could never look good in anything so she does not take care of her clothes or her appearance. She wears old torn tie-died shirts that are 3 sizes too large over baggy pants and her skin and hair show her lack of interest in investing energy in herself. Her hair is often uncombed as if she feared looking in the mirror for too long because of what she might see. This is a woman who never succeeded in school and constantly tells her self that she is stupid and will never succeed. Because of her body and her early failures, she feels that she will never be a worthwhile person. Like dogs on a scent, people seem to sense this and treat her how she thinks she deserves to be treated. She has lovers, way too many of whom are men who disrespect and take advantage of her. She has people whom she considers her friends, but most of them just want a place to sleep or party, like the men in her life, they use her. She believes that anything is better then being alone and thinks that she will never accomplish anything in her life, so why try. This is a woman who hates herself and has little control over her life. She binge eats and gets drunk a lot. Her self-hatred is so extreme that it manifests itself as self-abuse. She beats on herself until her skin is the color of overly ripe eggplant and even cuts herself with razors. This is a person with no self-esteem, no self-respect, and her concept of self-worth is nearly nonexistent. The second woman in contrast stands and walks tall and looks people in the eye as she passes them. She smiles and chats with strangers and is not afraid of what she will see in their eyes. She knows her own worth and will not allow others to belittle it. She tries to walk as if she were a queen. Everything about her posture shows that she respects herself and expects respect from others. She wears bright, beautiful clothing that shows her body to an advantage and that flatter her. She wears bright attractive, eye-catching colors and materials that make her feel good because she believes she deserves to have the best she can afford. She takes time to care for her appearance. Knowing she is worth it, woman number two, invests time and money in her skin and hair. This is a woman who can face herself nude in a full-length mirror and smile. The second woman will not allow the people in her life to take advantage of her. She chooses friends and lovers who will like her the way she is and treats her with the respect she knows she deserves. Because she is happy with herself, she treats the people in her life with respect. This is a woman who would rather be alone then with people who are disrespectful to her, because she likes herself, being alone is not a bad thing. Unlike the first woman, the second is confident in her intellect and abilities. She is in college and taking classes she knows will be a challenge. This woman seldom hears insults and gets a positive response from people most of the time. When someone is rude to her, she handles it in a two-fold manner. First she holds her head high and returns the person's stare, letting them know that she is not intimidated by their rudeness. Then she goes on her way, telling herself how sad it is that some people cannot handle diversity in others. This is a woman who is full of self-esteem, she knows her self-worth, and respects herself. "Well" you might be saying "maybe there are more differences then just attitude between these women, physical and educational differences as well as up bringing. Maybe the second woman is prettier or thinner or smarter." That might be true, except for two things, the second woman is about 60 pounds heavier than the first, and they are both the same woman, me. Five years ago, I had no self-esteem and now I realize that I am a good and deserving person. Before I tell you the steps I went through to improve my self-esteem, steps that anyone can use, I think I should mention some of the reasons that one in five women suffer from ongoing low self-esteem. I spoke with Chris Moorse, a councilor at the Boise State University counseling and testing center. I asked Ms. Moorse what she felt were the main causes leading to low self-esteem. "The first issue that comes up for me is the Nature vs. Nurture question. Any kind of issue you look at in terms of psychological problems there are people who say it is all one or all the other. Biologically. . . it is possible that some of us are more nervous, more high-strung, more insecure and more in need of social approval at a genetic, biochemical level. This predisposition makes some people more vulnerable to their upbringing. Some children are always being told they are to sensitive. And then there is how you are parented, which I think is a very important piece. . . I think the key is more whether a child is valued for who they are, vs. for what they do." I also asked Ms. Moorse for her opinion on whether or not the media, and its portrayal of a limited concept of beauty. Is it a contributing element to low self-esteem? She had this to say about the media, "In terms of self-image, particularly body-image in this country. . . in the 70s, 80s and 90s the media play an enormous role. I think that our country is very narrow minded about diversity in appearance." Another element that Ms. Moores mentioned is soico-economic. Women in this country still face a great deal of mysoganistic discrimination. Women tend to be paid less, suffer from harassment and be devalued by the people in their lives. In school, girls are often over-looked by teachers and harassed for anything about them that doesn't fit the ideal of the people around them. Is it any wonder that women suffer from low self-esteem five times more often then men? Some of the effects of a bad self-image includes eating disorders, such as anorexia and bulimia as well as compulsive eating. Anorexics and bulimics feel that, by controlling their food intake, they can make themselves perfect. I have suffered bouts of compulsive eating as well as bulimia. With me I was not feeding my body, I was feeding my pain. Other effects of low self-esteem include alcoholism, promiscuity, acceptance of abusive behavior, shyness and even aggressive anti-social behavior. Most often a bad self-image simply lowers your expectations, expectations of your abilities, of the level of respect you deserve and of your value to yourself and others. Do you have low self-esteem? One of the easiest ways to find out is to take this test which is loosely based on Morris Rosenbergs 1965 questionnaire that has been used in thousands of psychological studies.Answer the questions Yes or No. 1. I am positive about myself and my abilities the majority of the time. 2. I know that I have many good qualities. 3. I respect myself and deserve to be respected by others. 4. I think that I am a success more often the a failure. 5. I am a worthwhile, useful person, equal to most of the people I meet. 6. I have much to be proud of in my life. 7. I deserve to be treated with the same kind of respect as I give others. 8. I am an attractive, loving, intelligent human being. 9. I am able to learn and do things as well as most other people. 10. I am a good person. If you honestly answered Yes to all of these questions, then you have a strong sense of self-worth and good self-esteem. If you answered No to any of these questions I would suggest that you might want to examine why you feel this way about yourself and then work to make some changes. Here are some of the steps I have used to change my own self-image.1. Face your issues [examine the cause] For many of us, our feelings of low self-esteem go way back. These feelings often have to do with issues from our pasts. Consider how you felt when you were a child dealing with your parents, teachers and peers. Were you given a lot of negative feedback and if so how did it make you feel? Were there times when you felt good about yourself and since then what has changed? Chances are all of these feelings from your past are helping to hold you down and are keeping you from moving forward.2. Let go [ free yourself for change] Now it is time to move forward. Let go of the pain and go on with your life. What is done is done. I am not saying that this will be easy, in fact for me, this was the hardest part of changing myself. If you find you just can't let go of the past, try talking to a sympathetic friend or relative. I realize that some issues are difficult to talk about with someone close to you, but there are other options such as support groups and counseling that can allow you to discuss these issues. Just remember it is the life you are leading now that is important to you.3. Make a list [ focus on the positive] Write a list of all the good things you have done, anything, no matter how small. At first it may be hard to think of things for your list but as you go, it does get easier. Keep your list around and add to it as you go along. Then, when you start to feel down, you can look at your list and think about all the good things in your life. Try making list of things that make you happy, such as the things that are good about you.4. Don't expect perfection [ it won't happen anyway] Don't worry about being perfect. No one else is, so why should you be? People tend to get confused ideas about perfection, then judge themselves by confused standards. You don't have to be the best at what you do as long as you try. Chances are you are the only one who thinks you should be perfect.5. Relax [think positive] Every day, at least once a day, take time for yourself. Sit down, close your eyes, breathe deep and relax. Now tell your self something positive about yourself, such as, "I am a good person. I deserve to be happy." Now hold that thought and believe it. Each day it will become easier. Remember, you deserve the time and effort it takes to take care of yourself.6. Talk to yourself [everyone does it] We all think to ourselves all day long. Unfortunately too many of us think negative, self-abusive thing's about ourselves. When your head is full of put-downs like "I am so stupid," or "I am so ugly today," how can you build yourself up? Talk like that hurts you more than you might think. It eats away at your self-esteem, and makes it harder to think positive. Try this next time you catch yourself putting yourself down, stop. Now apologize to yourself and correct it. Tell yourself "I am a good person; I am smart, I can do this" keep saying it until you believe it. It may sound silly but my positive self-talk is most effective when I am doing aquatics. Instead of counting my steps 1-2-3 2-2-3 3-2-3, I give myself affirmations to the beat. For example, "I-am-bea-ut-i-ful," "I-de-serve-to-be-hap-py," "I-can-do-any-thing." When I first started, it seemed foolish but now it makes a difference.7. Expand your horizons [take a chance] Meet new people. Go new places. A lot of times our lives become stagnant. We always do the same old things and only see a small group of people. If those things and people are not adding to your sense of self, then it may be time to add new experiences to your life. Do something you enjoy or are interested in, and find people who also enjoy these things as well. A good way to do this is to join a group such as a book group, a conservation league or even a class in something you enjoy.8. Eliminate the negative [don't let people and things bring you down] Sometimes we get into a negative situation with the people in our lives. It doesn't help that many people with low self-esteem tend to put themselves down to other people, as well as to themselves. If you put yourself down when you meet new people, how will they ever judge you by realistic standards? If the people in your life continually treat you disrespectfully, you have two options. You can either explain to the people in your life that you want to improve your self-esteem and that you expect them to support you, or you can get them out of your life. This may sound harsh, but if the people in your life continually tell you that you are worthless, then you do not need them. You deserve to be around people who will validate you as a human being. It is important to realize that self-esteem is just that, esteem that comes from within yourself. Sandra Thomas, Ph.D.,RN and Cheryl Jefferson have this to say about external validation in their book 'Use Your Anger': "But schooling, men, money or having the perfect body won't give you great self-esteem. Neither will fifteen minutes of fame and fortune. Indeed, no matter how sexy the external validation is, it cannot raise your perception of your own worth. Why? Because cliched as it sounds, it's what's inside that counts-the belief in your own heart that you are a valuable, unique, and precious human being. And no one can give you this gift, which is why you shouldn't pin your identity on the opinions of others or on the dictates of society." (p.100)9. Face your fears [Get on with your life] Another thing to try is choosing something you are afraid of, then doing it. Try meeting people if you are shy or going dancing if you are afraid people will look at you. Try going back to school or anything else, but remember, you do not have to be the best. Just stick with it. Face your fears and go on with your life.10. Affirmations [ words and thoughts] Surround yourself with positive affirmations, books, pictures, poems and posters that remind you to think positively can really help. You can also make your own affirmations, find poems and quotations, or photos that make you feel positive about yourself and make collages. Anything that makes you feel better can be used as an affirmation. Ideas like these and more information on self-esteem are available in books such as the aforementioned 'Use Your Anger' and others such as 'Women and Self-esteem' by L.T. Sanford. A final word about self-esteem. It will take time to build up what it has taken you a life to pull down, so be patient. But if after you have tried all of these steps for a while and you find yourself unable to even start to feeling better, you may want to consider seeing a professional. It is possible that you are suffering from clinical depression, a disorder that affects 15 million Americans a year. Depression is most often treatable and nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully with these steps, and maybe some help from a professional or from the people in your life, you will be able to answer the self-esteem questions above with a resounding YES!