THUR DEC 26 2002 

Well I took a two day vacation from blogging for Christmas so I have a lot to get caught up with

Christmas Eve I had grandma (My Moms Mom) come over and get me at 1PM since I still don't have lights on my car even though my brother thinks he might be able to fix them. I was feeling goofy so I did my hair up in these big pig tails on the side and tied a huge gold cloth bow from wal-mart to one side. We had to run a few errands and get stuff done and I thought I would be cooking for the Christmas eve buffet we always have at grandmas house but two of my cousins Stephanie and Stacy came over and did most of it and I was all for that since I have done 70% of the work for the last 18 Christmas Eves. They were thrilled to do it and I was happy to do the little stuff this time like make marinaded salad and stuff. We drank sweet chai and grandma and I went and bought my cousin Steph a box of it and brown sugar since she was raving about how great it was and doing so much work when we went down to my house to grab my make up and a go to Kinkos to get some copies made for the bean labels and recipes.
Of course everyone started to show up as I was putting on my face and all insisted on taking pics of me doing it... only your family can get away with being so ornery.....LOL
We had a great time and for once in years all my cousins except for Adam who lives on the east coast were in my grandma's house at the same time so of course we had to do the picture thing, us all posed with all my aunts and uncles and grandma taking pics. It was great to see them all and spent time with them and to see my cousin Amy's little girl who is 10 months but somehow with me traveling and her busy I have not got to see yet. That is OK though at 10 months they have so much more personality then at 2 months.
We all feasted on ham and turkey and all the fixings and my aunt LeAnn (my cousin Billy's (13 the youngest) mom) brought over a bunch of stuff so we had plenty of food and about 20 or 25 people in the house all having a great time.
My cousins Amy and Naomi and Jason and their Mom Dawn are great friends with my Dads sister Kathy so it is kind of funny on Christmas Eve it is like we are cousins on two sides of the family. We always go from Grandma Millers over to my aunt Kathy's house where my uncle who is Filipino makes great oriental food so we end up having two meals and visiting much later into the night.
My cousins little boys got to help everyone unwrap their gifts and we had a great time and I did not get home til about midnight.

Christmas Day
OK I am a slacker but I did nothing for Christmas day, laterally I stayed in bed really late after finding out that my dad was sick and we would not be getting together for dinner. I had thought of going to my grandmas but just did not feel like it and since I have nothing to do till after New Years Day I am on a serious Slackers Vacation. All I ate all day was some butter toffee, some really rich brownies and some ham. I just spent quite a bit of time that night talking to my friend who gave me the necklace.
Then I cuddled up with my big Stuffed dog I got for Christmas and slept in again....LOL

Today
I went over to grandmas and got some left overs so I did get to have Christmas dinner a day late
I also dropped my car off for my brother at my moms it is easier then trying to get it over there early, I am just not an early morning person and well it isn't like I have been going much of anywhere as it is. Between lack of money and having to be home at 5PM it kind of puts the kibosh on my activities.
Hopefully Eric will get the lights working (or not make anything else worse) and Dad will feel better by the time Sally jos Daughter comes back through town on her way back to the mid-west and we can all go out to dinner somewhere nice. It would be nice to have my own car for it cause my brother drives a Laser and it is not really what you would call SSBBW friendly.
I had room for my and Duke the stuffed Dog but I had to have mom bring over my new toaster oven and roadside emergency kit. I also got from mom a box set of designer perfumes with little real versions of Liz Claiborn, Curves, Lucky You, Mambo and Candies so far I have tried Curves and Mambo, they are very different but I like them. Those sizes are actually perfect for me cause I don't wear much perfume or wear it often so they will last a long time and I love the little fancy bottles.
I got my mom and john a bunch of stuff I made them a big snuggly couch blanket out of polar fleece and two matching pillow cases and I got mom a container full of all kinds of tea bags and a bag of organic coffee beans and these things you use to flavor your coffee. I got her all kinds of lotions and bath stuff and some perfume sprays that she mentioned she would like in a very mild smell and some alpha hydroxi stuff ((can not say enough good stuff about alpha hydroxi)) and a kit with all kinds of luffas ands scrubbers and foot rollers and stuff...LOL I went a little over board.
My brother I gave the oriental wall hanging I let him have over Thanksgiving Week when he came down from Grad school and then I gave him a bunch of incense and a really cool little burner on Christmas Eve and I will give him a CD of about 45 pics I took of his dog and him the day before she had to be put down for bone disease, they actually are great pics it was one of those things where she had one good day out of a lot of really bad ones.
My grandma I gave two books on how to sew for plus sizes that I bought on line and I spent a ton on them but I figure between her and me and my cousin who is a little bigger we should get some serious use out of them. And I gave her a box of lavender sprays and lotions and things since she loves the smell

Again today is mostly a day off... I kind of think I may have a little bit of something since when I am sick I want to sleep a lot and that is the case today.. Or it could be the deary weather and the fact I have no car making me down, the thing about SAD is you can get physically down and not feel sad and unhappy all that much, just not feel up at all, sort of blah and that is where I am right now which is odd since I am on anti depressants. OHHHHHHH well first day with sun and I am going to go sit in it regardless of temp.

 

MON DEC 23 2002 

   So one of the gifts I am giving my Mom and Dad and all my Moms brothers and their wives is these beautiful large bamboo shaped glass canisters full of five different types of beans layered in ½ cup layers and a small one and 1/2 cup canister of my own special chili powder mix. Well I decided to do this after seeing all the cookie mixes at the store and then finding these canisters at a dollar store.

My chili powder mix is prepared bulk chili powder, dried diced onions and garlic, dried chili seeds, black pepper mix, and chives for color and bulk it out a bit, on top of each glass canister once I have filled them completely full and packed them down I put about 3 small whole dried chilis.

About a month and a half ago I had spent a few hours looking on line for jar recipes and had found a good one for a chili soup that told how to quick cook beans (now I had only ever done the soak all night way which is annoying and the reason I don't cook chili much) but I only saved the link as well as a few others and did not think to save the recipe itself. Well you guessed it, everything on the site works except two recipes and one is the one I need.
So I go to Allrecipes.com which has 1000s of recipes and I search "CHILI" and come up with just under 200 references and you know what? Everyone uses caned Beans!!!!! I have looked at 100 recipes so far....

‘Chili Rick' ((Chocolate and spicy sausage are the signature ingredients in this beef and bean chili. )) . . . . "Chili III" ((Cubes of potato are cooked into this kidney bean, tomato and ground beef chili. )) . . . . "Chuck's Come On Ice Cream (or Night of the Red Death) Chili" ((" Beef and pork sirloin rubbed with many seasonings, marinated, then simmered with tomato, onion, garlic, salsa and the right bite of jalapeno chile peppers. Come on, ice cream!)) ***real chili has no beans** . . . . "DB's Seven Pepper Chili" ((Bell, habanero, pepperoncini, serrano, cayenne, pequin and jalapeno -- it's a hot beefy chili packed with peppers!)) **Now that is just scary** . . . . . "Mean Old Chili" ((Have you ever had grilled chili? Think it sounds wicked? Well, you're right! This chili will keep your mouth on fire and howling at the moon... ))

Well those are just a few of what I found, I finally called grandma for help, Got to love grandma!!! she looked in Betty Crocker ((use a can of beans)) she looked in Better Homes and Gardens cookbook (Get out a can of beans) finally she found a small cookbook she had bought for dollar from the county extension agent a long time ago on budget cooking.

Here you go if you are curious..... it is ... One cup of beans to three cups of water... bring to a hard boil for Two minutes remove from heat and cover tightly allow to stand for one hour undisturbed. Drain into a colander and rinse very well. Just cover beans well and bring to a steady boil with a pinch of salt and reduce to a good simmer and allow to cook between 1 1/2 hour and 2 hour testing for tenderness and stirring once in a while. You may add spices while cooking BUT do NOT add tomato products as they will make the beans hard.

OK so tonight's project is to go through some of these fun recipes and adjust them for the beans I have and make up a little booklet I can put on disk and take to Kinkos tomorrow and print up to go with the canisters.... LOL I always manage to keep myself amused.
You know nothing bothers me more when someone goes on about how bored they are, to me you have to be pretty boring to get bored. I can always find something to amuse myself with, hell if I get bored enough I can get on my hands and knees and scrub floors and dust the top of the fridge... and there is always something to do to keep me from that, trust me.

SAT DEC 21 2002 

Well we might actually get snow, we are defiantly getting rain, I know this cause I just spent a half hour standing in watching my uncle try to fix the headlights on my car to no avail. You know what I want for Christmas??? A car, it does not even have to be new just newer (of course this messes up how I say I define the ages of the men I will date. I say I will date men older then my car but younger then my mom. Car is 21, Mom is 53....LOL... But I am willing to stop saying it and keep doing it if I can just get a newer car)

My car is a 82 Malibu (yes it is 21 they release them the end of 81) and it is slowly falling apart on me, it is just old and unlike some great cars it is not made to be old. The carburetor and transmission are fussy as hell, you have to turn it off in gear or it diesels like a mad thing, it jerks and putters as you drive and at stoplights. BUT the fun stuff has been in the last month, that is when the blinkers decided they would only work when they wanted to and then one day about two weeks ago the handle to the blinkers and the brights FELL OFF.....LOL just plain broke off in my hand. Thankfully not with the lights in brights.

Then Monday I was driving grandma around and realized that I had no headlights, thankfully this was at about 4pm and dark is 5pm so I rushed her home and got home myself. Well I have been home bound after 5pm and before 8 am everyday for a week and we thought it was the switch on the car but NO such luck, I am of course too broke to take it anywhere. I will have to ask my dad and stepmom for help but I will wait till after Christmas... I am so awful, I don't want car repair to be my gift....LOL

I went a little crazy for Christmas this year and bought tons of stuff, but I had a great time, only problem? I am scary ass broke. I mean no change in the purse broke....LOL So lets just say I am hoping my Christmas gift is the same as my birthday gift...cash.

I am actually use to being broke, it just sucks around Christmas when there are so many great things out there and great sales and your mood is up and all. I really don't let the money issue get me down, it would be nice to get some sales to tide me over between paychecks but I know things like videos go on the back burner at Christmas time so I am not stressing it.

Really it is a matter of attitude, I guess I could get very upset but I wont, I have a car that runs, well during the day it does *grin* and I have a nice enough Little apartment that I can afford. I make a decent income, I love my family and they love me and I know in an emergency they can help me out. I have plenty of food in the cupboards and fridge/freezer to make it through the month and I can always get someone to buy me a few $.79 canned yams *Hi My Name Is T'Rina and I am a Yam Addict* (no really it is true)

It is too funny today though I was bummed about the car and just as I left my uncles at about 4:30 it started to sleet and hail and I was thinking "damn I wish my car worked right so I could go to Barnes and Noble and get all comfy and read something dumb tonight... I wish I could something special for dinner tonight I don't have to thaw." Well I knew I was as close to totally broke as could be but I figured I may have a few bucks in my account so I checked the ATM machine at the store.... $2.55....WOW DINNER!!!!!!!
I KID YOU NOT

I was pretty happy actually if you are use to being broke you can do a lot with $2.55 especially if you know your store really well and I live behind this one so I know that at around 5 they start clearing out their Butcher Block and reducing things to amazing prices. I went back and they had two full racks and I got two Thick beautiful boneless stuffed porkchops for $1.95 and then I got a NutRagious candy bar for $.25... total $2.30. Can I shop or what?? Lets just say I did not get cash back.

So tonight's dinner is two big chops stuffed, baked onion with a sprinkling of brown sugar and hot ginger chai.

I already had the candy bar. Life is short, eat desert first.

""The Roman midwinter holiday, Saturnalia, was both a gigantic fair and a festival of the home. Riotous merry-making took place, and the halls of houses were decked with boughs of laurel and evergreen trees. Lamps were kept burning to ward off the spirits of darkness. Schools were closed, the army rested, and no criminals were executed. Friends visited one another, bringing good-luck gifts of fruit, cakes, candles, dolls, jewellery, and incense. Temples were decorated with evergreens symbolizing life's continuity, and processions of people with masked or blackened faces and fantastic hats danced through the streets.""

""Roman masters feasted with slaves, who were given the freedom to do and say what they liked (the medieval custom of all the inhabitants of the manor, including servants and lords alike, sitting down together for a great Christmas feast, came from this tradition). A Mock King was appointed to take charge of the revels (the Lord of Misrule of medieval Christmas festivities had his origin here).

In pagan Scandinavia the winter festival was the yule (or juul). Great yule logs were burned, and people drank mead around the bonfires listening to minstrel-poets singing ancient legends. It was believed that the yule log had the magical effect of helping the sun to shine more brightly.

Mistletoe, which was sacred because it mysteriously grew on the most sacred tree, the oak, was ceremoniously cut and a spray given to each family, to be hung in the doorways as good luck. The celtic Druids also regarded mistletoe as sacred. Druid priests cut it from the tree on which it grew with a golden sickle and handed it to the people, calling it All-Heal. To hang it over a doorway or in a room was to offer goodwill to visitors. Kissing under the mistletoe was a pledge of friendship. Mistletoe is still forbidden in most Christian churches because of its Pagan associations, but it has continued to have a special place in home celebrations.

In the third century various dates, from December to April, were celebrated by Christians as Christmas. January 6 was the most favoured day because it was thought to be Jesus' baptismal day (in the Greek Orthodox Church this continues to be the day to celebrate Christmas). Around 350, December 25 was adopted in Rome and gradually almost the entire Christian Church agreed to that date, which coincided with Winter Solstice, the Yule and the Saturnalia. The merry side of Saturnalia was adopted to the observance of Christmas. By 1100 Christmas was the peak celebration of the year for all of Europe. During the 16th century, under the influence of the Reformation, many of the old customs were suppressed and the Church forbade processions, colourful ceremonies, and plays.""

""Native Americans had winter solstice rites. The sun images at right ((below)) are from rock paintings of the Chumash, who occupied coastal California for thousands of years before the Europeans arrived. Solstices were tremendously important to them, and the winter solstice celebration lasted several days

In Iran, there is the observance of Yalda, in which families kept vigil through the night and fires burned brightly to help the sun (and Goodness) battle darkness (thought evil).

Winter solstice celebrations are also part of the cultural heritage of Pakistan and Tibet. And in China, even though the calendar is based on the moon, the day of winter solstice is called Dong Zhi, "The Arrival of Winter." The cold of winter made an excellent excuse for a feast, so that's how the Chinese observed it, with Ju Dong, "doing the winter." ""

WED DEC 18 2002

Writing this on the 19th

Well I missed another day of Blogging.... sigh. I am not feeling so good physically and it is catching up with me. I have been dealing with stomach problems for a while and this week I got a cramp in my leg and back that would not go away for about 3 days. My regular Dr. who I saw on Tues would not prescribe anything for pain or muscle relaxation because of my stomach even though I tried to explain to her I was talking one or two days worth of meds.
When the pain was not gone by late afternoon on Wednesday I decided to hell with it and went to Immediate Medical which is right down the street from my place. I spent two hours waiting at the Doc in the Box watching Zoom and Dragon Tails with a bunch of kids till I saw the Dr. and explained what was wrong. Twenty mins later I was home with a script of 15 each Soma and Vicadin with Tylenol and within 24 hours and 3 of each the cramp is gone down to next to nothing and the pain is almost gone as well.
I do know my body, I also know that it will take me 5 months to go through the rest of the script, my own Dr. acts like every request for pain meds is a big deal... she does not get it that when I say I have a pulled muscle may I have 6 of these... it is because I know that SIX will do the job, the muscle just needs to be loosened up and then I can go on to heal. I buy one small bottle of over the counter pain meds a year, this is because every year I toss the old one no matter what. I seldom get through the 60 in the bottle. I hate when Dr.s act like we have no idea what we need. She only has to look at my records to see how seldom I have needed anything.
Oh well I guess it just bugs me because I wait till enough things are wrongs to make it worth my while to go to the Dr and then she gets this look on her face like "OH God Ok stop now" LOL I guess I should go more then once a year and before 3 or 4 different things gang up on me. 

 TUE DEC 17 2002

This is an adjusted conversation between me and a dear friend.. I took the conversation we had and added on to it. We were talking about faith and the nature of beleif and religion and happiness.

ME::::OK so I don't believe in "religion" pre say an organized set of thoughts and beliefs, I consider myself an eclectic pagan, I don't think of myself as Wiccan since that is a religion, it is actually a set belief system and I don't follow all of it, I have taken a lot from it though.

I believe you have to look at what is out there and choose the bits and pieces of faith that make you whole, I have looked at most religions and got something from almost all of them.

What to know what I believe?
I believe do unto others cause karma is a bitch with little mercy and wicked sense of humor and if she does not get you this time she will get you next time.

(Ok this is where you say "Ok T'Rina is a hippy fruit loop" and half way through you give up paying attention but don't.)

I believe we all have an energy around us, an Aura so to speak and that we feed it with our moods, our love or hate, our faith in life and joy... I believe the more good we put in it as a world the better the world is and I believe you make the world better by putting that positive energy out there.
I believe part of what is wrong in the world is everyone one is separate from almost everyone else, they are afraid to reach out in case they are hurt emotionally, in case they do not stack up to the ideals of perfection they believe everyone else has. They judge themselves against what they think they should be and have and what they think everyone else should be and how they should behave. They are bundled in on themselves, closing themselves off from the beauty of each others souls and so many people are "Me first, last and always" and this poisons that energy that we all have.
To me that energy combined together is whatever higher power there is and every good thing you do in this world makes it stronger. That energy as a Group thing I should say, that is the life force of the world and we are killing it with greed and hate and avarice, war and poverty, every time we let a child starve in the street and we could have voted better then we did or helped out we weaken the source. ... But on the other hand every act of joy, every laugh, every happy thought that takes nothing from another, every act of silly abandon and giving and honest unadulterated unabused bliss makes it stronger. It behooves us to live in joy and practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty...LOL

"T" :::: bliss... what do you think that bliss is?

ME::: Bliss is a moment of pleasure... it can be simple or grand... don't make it more then it is, that is what is wrong we always think we need so much more, more and more and more, we are grasping, reaching clawing for SOMETHING. Anything to fill this void we are just sure we have in side of us. When what we don't realize is that if we would learn to hold still inside of ourselves for a little bit, simple pleasure is an amazing thing and that void is often more of our own making then we could ever believe. If we would accept that we do not always have to have everything at full volume, full tilt, full compassity all the time to be happy we just might be...well happy.
Bliss can be sex, it can be the perfect bite of desert or sip of coffee just the way you like when you have not had for a long time, it can that one short moment when you wake up and the bed is warm and you dont hurt anywhere and you have not moved yet and it is just right. It can be that first kiss or it can suddenly be the 324rd kiss that blows off your socks and you don't know why it is so much more perfect then the last almost perfectly amazing kiss but it is. It can be your kid snuggled up in your arms for the first time or seeing them get that diploma and a wave of this feeling comes over you for a moment where you know it is just right and this is what you all worked for.
What I do know about bliss is it is fleeting and it damn well should be and we need to learn to let it come and go as it pleases and stop grabbing at like desperate children for the last piece of candy in the stocking. Bliss is special cause it is butterfly ethereal. It is a thing that graces us and shocks us with joy and warms us and we wait for it to come back and if we are smart we wait with only just enough attention to reconize it when it comes.
Addictions come when people chase bliss with butterfly nets made of steel

Seek your happiness.. Seek it in the simple things and your bliss will find you in its own time. It will dance like a butterfly around you, touch you and leave you happier then before, blessed and glowing, unless you mourn it then you will have lost both your bliss and your happiness. We are all so worried we are not getting our HOUR of sheer pleasure in everything we dont get out moment of bliss.

I believe that you should find one thing to find joy in everyday, one thing to amaze you. Stay a child.

MON DEC 16 2002

  This is actually a day late going up but I have not been feeling good physically and yet I wanted to write about Monday since it was such a great day emotionally.
Monday was a day of gifts.
I spent a good deal of the day getting packages ready to mail, getting them wrapped and addressed and putting last minute things in and rushing to the little post office in a drug store near my home before the 4PM dead line. SO Travis, Ian, Dave, Binky, Steve and the Kids your stuff is on the way and should be there before the end of the week!!!
I also received gifts on Monday, a late birthday gift from a chat friend and an early Christmas Gift from a new friend who has become very close and dear to me.
I then stopped by the Main post office to check my box and found a note saying they had a package for me that would not fit in the 6x8 inch space and to come up front to get it. Well my grandmother was waiting for me to take her home and the lines were ridiculous so I took a look around and luckily saw a very nice postal worker stocking boxes and asked if there was a way to get my package with out adding to the line and she went and got it for me. I was happy to find that Paul from Dimensionsmagazine.com chat had sent me a one pound box of Whitman's Dark Chocolates.... on the other hand I am sad to admit all but four of them are gone already ((all chocolate covered cherries....LOL)) It was so sweet of him to send them just to be nice!
I came home to wait for my mail since my friend Travis assured me his package would be coming on Monday and my mail comes between 4 and 6 pm. Travis and I got on Yahoo and were talking on web, I teased him about not sharing the chocolate and he tried to make me guess my gift in advance as he had been doing for days, my guesses were wild and silly and I am glad to say no new kittens now live in my house, unfortunately certain toys don't either.
For the next 40 mins he would ask are you sure your mail has not arrived??? and I told him I would hear it until finally there was a knock on the door. The mail man was there with something for me to sign for.
I came back to the cam and started to unwrap it nice and slow so he could watch.. It was beautifully wrapped and for once I restrained myself and did not tear into it like the wild child I am!!! I took the paper off slowly and undid the box as he watched and grinned at me and I found two boxes inside since he had remembered a comment I made about collecting wooden boxes one of them was wood. A oriental box with a wood cutting in the lid and a ornate and very complex origami flower inside.
The other box is a round porcelain one with little roses on top, and when I opened it there was the most lovely, delicate little gold and diamond heart on a heart necklace inside. I was totally blown away. First of all it is simply an amazing gift. And then there is the fact that it is dainty but beautiful and in all my 34 years I have never had a precious stone of any type, which is odd actually when you consider that for 4 years I dealt in thousands of semi precious stones in my former jewelry business but never precious ones.
I guess before now no one has ever seen me as a precious gems kind of girl, but then neither did I. I have certainly had chances to by my own but I never saw myself that way and for someone dear to me to see me that way makes it all the more special.
But here is the thing, it is not the stones, it is the setting. It is delicate, dainty and sweet, and the fact is someone sees me that way (even after getting to know me a while) and that is not something that happens a lot in my life. And I admit maybe it is because I do not see myself that way.
I believe we are reborn over and over in our own lifetimes if we so choose and are willing to be our own midwives, I know I was when I went through the struggle to over come self hatred... if anything was a rebirth that was. And we are reborn a little every time we learn to see ourselves with new eyes. I am lucky that those new eyes see me so beautifully.
So maybe I am a precious kind of girl.

 SUN DEC 15 2002

  8:30PM :: Well today has been a slow rainy blah sleepy Sunday.
I have honestly done nothing productive today and I should have with Christmas coming up but I just could not motivate today, I think all the tiredness of the week past has ganged up and jumped on me....LOL. The last few days of rainy icky weather does not help at all.
Basically I have just been listening to music and checking e-mail, looking at a few web boards and then I went back to bed and read the first copy of PEOPLE magazine I have bought in maybe 3 years (I miss watching the Osbourne's when I was at my ex's house and wanted to see what was up) then I checked a little more mail, chatted about 30 minutes and decided to take a nap. Man what a productive day!
To cheer me up I lighted some of my spicy candles, I get those big $10 packs from Wal-Mart that have two 20oz jar candles and two small voltives in holders. I love the Fall spicy smells, Ginger Snap, Pumpkin Spice, and Sweet Clove. I just can't stand any of the bland scents they sell the rest of the year so I try to stock up on boxes of these when they have them in Fall and Winter. I lit a jar of Clove and one of Pumpkin and put a mix of four of the votives in these great colored glass crackle finish candle cups and lit those as well. I collect candle holders and wall scones as well as tea light lanterns.
Then I turned on my little knock-off "lava lamp" I actually prefer it to the LAVA brand lamps which have a really thick "lava" in them and they don't flow nice and easy they Oooze.... mine is bight green and it bubbles and flows and moves very happily and easily, it is also nice and thin and tall so it gives off this very soothing green light.
Of course I should not have fallen asleep with the voltives burning (I like the jars because they burn like 80 hours or more so you are pretty safe if they are near the top) but I seldom sleep more then 2 or 3 hours during the day and voltives last 7 to 10 hours if they are good quality. Anyway i turned the blue music off and turned on some ambient music and sunggled up in my nice warm bed with the kittens and listened to the rain and woke up feeling a ton better about 3 hours laters.

I have should have been getting Christmas stuff done today but oh well I will off and running ad getting all kindos of work done all week so i guess I am just getting my rest done in advance.